i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
