Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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