We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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