what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
