At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize