First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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