Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
