please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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