how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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