Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
