i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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