I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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