You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
