Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
