god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
