There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
