when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
