i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
