I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
