You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
