you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
God, I missed his penis.
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