She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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