I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
