I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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