guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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