worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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