I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
