had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
