he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
