he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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