i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
