cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
