birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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