that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
