oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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