she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
