I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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