The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
