Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
