I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
