Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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