i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
