Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
