Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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