I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
