I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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