On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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