i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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