my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
