did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize