First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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