A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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