Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Let's get the cat blown out
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
