i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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