He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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