I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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