I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
