I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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