Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
