what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
from now on my penis is your penis
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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