Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
the raccoons are back...
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